I wish my penis had an off switch
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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