I didn't shave. On purpose
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
