The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
