Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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