cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
