My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
