got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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