This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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