I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
