I'd wear matching sweaters with you
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
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Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
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Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?