I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
