You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
