I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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