best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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