If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Randomize
