i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
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As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
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At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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