mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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