Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
