i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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