Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
