All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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