Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
