Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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