I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
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