I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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