My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
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When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
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Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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