First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
