So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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