remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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