Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
