why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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