so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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