You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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