census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
