there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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