it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
