I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
