It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
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Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I have fence marks all over my body
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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