In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
