there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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