I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
