The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
