i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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