Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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