Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
