It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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