Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I have aggressive nipples.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.