He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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