every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
