we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
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