I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
