I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
