If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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