Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
