well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
