In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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