Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
