I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
